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Career Advice Life Hacks

Socially Starting Over: How to Make New Friends in Your Twenties

As a kid, life is simple. You can do what you want without giving it a second thought. But as you grow, you start taking every action seriously, weighing the dangers and benefits of every decision. Somehow, this heavy scrutiny also shows its face in how you make friends. In fact, it limits your ability to make new friends.

As you grow older, you will realize one thing that most adults already know: making friends becomes difficult with age. Laura L. Carstensen of the Stanford Center on Longevity observed that we interact with fewer people as we get older, focusing more on people we already know. You will want to spend more time with your kids than go partying. You will want to dedicate your life to work. These actions rob you of three factors scientists claim are important for new friendships -- proximity, frequent unplanned interactions, and the freedom to confide in another. Basically, you get trapped in a small circle of friends.

However, friends are important for everyone. Research shows that strong social ties may help you live longer, have a healthy life, and keep your mind sharp. So you must work on making new friends.

In this article, let’s explore how you can start again socially.

1. Get Your Mind Ready

Many people believe that being fun or over-confident are the keys to having lots of friends. But this is not always the case. Sometimes, the things that keep you friendless may be limiting factors you have in your head. For example - you might believe that nobody likes you or that you suck at making friends.

depressed woman

Research by Lisa Firestone found that the most common critical thought people have towards themselves is that of not being liked other people – they feel they don’t relate to those around them.

You must rid yourself of these beliefs. You will free your mind and making new friends will become easy.

First, you need to know that there is the conscious and unconscious mind. The conscious mind makes decisions while the unconscious controls actions that are second nature. The unconscious does not think on its own – it takes orders from the conscious.

So if you tell yourself you are a failure, your unconscious will believe that and will not prepare you for any challenging situations. Likewise, if you tell yourself that you need to make friends, the unconscious will automatically put you in a friend-making state, helping you stay motivated towards this goal.

Research by the University of Alberta proved that the unconscious mind can be a great motivator towards your long-term goals.

You can trick the unconscious mind to help you in making friends by telling yourself positive affirmations. Here are some examples:

  • I can have lots of friends because I am an interesting person.

  • I am confident and get on well with others.

  • People like me and enjoy my presence.

With such positivity, you will build your confidence to approach potential friends. And several studies indicate that people find confidence attractive.

2. Be the Friend You Want

Often times, we complain of being misunderstood by our friends, and yet, we never stop to think if we commit the same mistakes. We like to be treated better by others but we do not treat others the same way.

A certain survey, for example, showed that 30% of teens keep their problems to themselves just because they feel misunderstood. A similar study by Relate indicates that one in ten people does not have a close friend and that one in five feels unloved. Usually, these problems are because we do not relate to our friends in a way they would expect. Or sometimes, our friends misinterpret our actions.

In the book titled No One Understands You and What To Do About It, Heidi Grant Halvorson narrates a story of someone named Tim. Recently employed as a manager of a certain company, Tim tried to communicate that he valued the input of his subordinates. So during meetings, he would put on what he called an “active-listening face.”

But after several meetings, one of his team members gathered the courage to ask him why he always seemed angry when someone was talking.

The thing is we all want to have friends who understand us. You may fail to connect with new friends because they may feel misunderstood by you. Or you may be the one feeling misunderstood. Therefore, you must pay attention to the signals you give others. In addition, you must strive to treat others with love and care. Make them feel understood and likable.

pinky-swear

Think of how you would like others to treat you and treat others in the same way. Here are some things to get you started:

  • Do not rush to judge other people.

  • Treat others with respect.

  • Listen to other people’s ideas.

  • Respect other people’s privacy.

  • Treat everyone fairly.

  • Encourage people to live a fulfilling life.

When you become the kind of friend people want to have, you will notice that keeping friends or attracting new ones will be easy. People will respect you and will want to keep your around at all times.

Og MandinoAuthor

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.

3. Go After Your Passions

Ask most people how you can make friends, and they will tell you to ‘get out there.’

But is this practical advice?

Friendships started this way usually have a chemistry that does not feel right. Instead of chasing people, chase your passions. If you love music, join a music class and you’ll get to meet new people. Chances are that you won’t meet people with similar interests at a random party. That’s why approaching people at the bar won’t work nine times out of ten.

volleyball-fun

Scientists from the University of Southampton, Royal Holloway, University of London, and the Institute of Zoology at London Zoo found that strong friendships are formed based on having similar interests. They also said that as your interests change, you go from clique to clique.

During your leisure time, you are most likely to have a better chance of making friends than when working. That’s because you will be more relaxed.

Consider this study:

In 1985, 50% of Americans said they had a close friend at work. In 2004, this had fallen to 30%.

Meaning?

We now hang out less with those we work with. Although there are many reasons for this, one of them is that we are too busy at work to have time to develop a relationship.

However, there is another benefit that comes with chasing your passions – you will feel happy and fulfilled with your life. You will not feel like you are draining yourself, which may result from chasing people.

4. How well do you ‘know thyself’?

There are over 16 personality types. These differ in how they interact or make friends. Before you start making friends, it’s helpful to understand your personality type. You will find friend-making easier thereafter as you will have a better understanding of yourself.

For example: INFJs are the type of friends who encourage you to live your life the way you want. They are supportive and always there for you. Additionally, they are very good listeners.

To them, the number of their friends does not matter – what matters is the quality of those friendships. However, INFJs have a fear that their friends may betray them. Even when it comes to romantic relationships, they do not like to settle for whatever comes their way.

They value their privacy highly, keeping their lives mostly under lock and key. Although they can be communicative, they like to have alone-time to mentally recharge themselves.

ENFJs, on the other hand, are extroverts. They have amazing people skills and can blend into different social situations without difficulty. They are very supportive and will seem to never get tired of listening to you talk. They see themselves as helpers and enablers, giving so much of themselves to others.

ENFJs have really good communication skills and are fun to be around with. However, they can be controlling and manipulative. And they are critical of those different from them.

These are just a few examples of the different personalities out there and how they are like as friends. As you have seen, you too need to know your personality type. This will allow you to approach different social situations without overwhelming yourself.

Toni ColletteActress

The better you know yourself, the better your relationship with the rest of the world.

Your personality represents who you are. So instead of fighting it, work with it.

Here are a few resources that can help you determine your personality type:

16Personalities

My Personality Test

SeeMyPersonality

Humanmetrics

Sidenote: The personality type tests are a tool to understand yourself. But they are not scientific and cent percent accurate. Consider them as starting points and rely on your personal observations from there.

5. Last piece of ‘strange’ advice...

Be happy. When you are happy, you become a people magnet. A study by the School of Psychology at the University of Aberdeen found that we are attracted to smiling faces that look directly at us rather than non-smiling faces that look directly at us.

people-happy

Happiness is like an air-bone disease. It spreads to those around you. To prove this, a study consisting of more than 4,700 people followed for over 20 years discovered that people who are happy can make those around to be happy as well. This happiness can affect others for as long as a year.

Everyone wants to be happy. Unfortunately, life is so difficult that only one in three Americans reports being very happy. For these people, having a friend that makes them happy may be a lucky break in a stressful world. And they will hold on to such a friend for as long as it takes.

Thankfully, it is easy to maintain a happy life. Here is a short video explaining how one can do it.

When you are happy, you become a people magnet.

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Conclusion

It is a fact that advancements in technology have broken most of the relationships we had with friends. However, humans have always been social beings. And technology is not going to change that any time soon. Therefore, you must work on making new friends to replace those you’ve lost.

The one thing most people forget is that friendships are like any job. If you want to be good at them, you must dedicate time and effort working on them. The twenties is a great period to make friends who will be with you for your lifetime. So don’t waste this opportunity.

Do you think you have enough friends in your life? If not, what steps have you taken to have more friends?



Categories
Life Hacks

Contemplating Mortgage: Should You Buy a House in Your 20s?

The time comes when you have to decide to buy or rent a home. Your impulses will likely push you towards buying: nothing is more comforting than the thought of living under the safety of your own roof, free from landlords, monthly rent payments, and other limitations.

Unfortunately, owning a house is involving. In addition, houses are expensive. You need to pay large sums of money at once. Most of us cannot afford such costs.

A mortgage is a bridge between the dream of owning a home and the reality of having it.

But mortgages come with several drawbacks the biggest of which is interest. For example, a $300,000 home may cost you another $300,000 in interest.

With this in mind, is renting a better option? Or do you still save if you take a mortgage?

These questions are difficult to answer, because what’s true in one scenario may be false in another.

In your twenties is when the dilemma of buying vs. renting will first hit you. This period represents the most productive age. It’s also the period with the least responsibilities. So buying a home may seem attractive. But like I said, renting may prove to be the better option in some instances.

Read on to discover whether you must take a mortgage or rent.

Buying vs. Renting

Stuck with choosing between paying for your own house or someone’s? Then here are the factors that will help you make a choice.

1. Cost Consideration

The cost of a house has a huge impact on whether to buy or rent. Your disposable income dictates both of these choices. If you are an expense conscious individual, renting is usually attractive.

Buying a house piles up several costs you need to deal with upfront, and these can be in thousands of dollars. For example, getting a mortgage means you must make a down payment, which can range from 3.5-20 percent of the house cost. Knowing how expensive houses are, this amount burdens most new homeowners.

Apart from the down payment, you also need earnest money (paid to show your seriousness), home appraisal fee (usually between $300 and $500), and several other costs. You also have to recompense the tax amount the seller might have paid in advance. Furthermore, you must pay for homeowner’s insurance, which is required by lenders.

Here is a video by Re Max detailing expected costs when buying a house:

You need to meet all these expenses during the buying process. Research shows they can amount to1.5 times your down payment.

And the costs don’t stop yet. Once you buy the house, a portion of your check will go towards your mortgage. This will go on for 15, 20, or even 30 years. Other recurring costs include taxes, insurance, and maintenance.

Renting, on the other hand, eliminates most of these costs from your plate. You are only required to make a security deposit and pay your first month’s rent when moving into a new house. After that, you only need to worry about monthly rent payments.

If things get broken on rented property, you won’t be responsible for that. Simply call your landlord and your work is done. You don’t need to pay taxes, down payments, or homeowners insurance.

So if you’re after cost saving, renting wins, particularly in the beginning.

2. Building Equity

Among the many ways you can build wealth, real estate has been seen as a viable option. Research shows that with time, real estate appreciates. For example, if you bought a $150,000 home 10 years ago, it would be worth $300,000 today. From 1978-2004, real estate has had an average return of 8.6%.

investing in real estate builds wealth

Even better, when you own a home, you are free to ameliorate it, increasing its appeal and value. A good many people have made fortunes from real estate flipping.

Robert KiyosakiBusinessman and Investor

Real estate investing, even on a small scale, remains a tried and true means of building an individual's cash flow and wealth.

Renting kills any chances of building equity. You can rent a house for over 30 years. But that won’t make it yours. Even if you improve it, you will do it to the benefit of the landlord.

However, you must not ignore reality. Real estate markets fail sometimes. Take the story of Ricardo and Denise Cabrea. The couple bought a $490,000 home in 2005. Owing to the 2006 real estate bubble, the house lost $150,000 in value by 2009.

But the good news is that in the long term, real estate usually appreciates. So even though you may face losses here and there, chances are you will still come out a winner the longer you hold on to your property.

3. Potential for Income

Owning a home gives you an opportunity to earn money from….

Yep, you guessed it right:

Rent.

How?

You live in another house that’s smaller and cheaper, suiting your requirements. And you rent the bigger house that you possess.

Else, you can also rent one or two rooms in the house you purchased.

The rent income may contribute towards your mortgage, tax, or homeowners insurance.

Renting, on the contrary, means you are the one giving away money. In other words, you are helping your landlord pay his or her mortgage. But even if this is so, remember that having a roof over your head will always cost money.

Caveat: Renting comes with high maintenance costs for landlords than if they live in the house themselves. That’s because renters are not usually as careful as an owner would be.

4. Freedom to Unsettle

If you’re a freedom loving person, then renting is a better choice for you. Because you’ll have the mobility to travel to any location. For homeowners, the story is different. They just can’t pack up and leave. What about the house they have spent years paying for?

luggage-packed ready to move

They either have to sell or rent it. Both these options can be long processes that need serious thinking. And if you are materialistic individual, you’ll carry luggage that becomes a hassle to carry.

5. Increasing House Costs

The price of rent has continually risen. So if you choose to rent, know that your expenses will keep on growing. Worsening things, landlords can willfully raise the rent at any time they wish.

Of course, you can always relocate to less expensive neighborhoods. But constantly moving around is a lot of work.

Homeowners with a fixed-rate mortgage don’t have to worry about uncertain house prices. They will pay the same amount until they finish their mortgage. After this, the only costs remaining on their plates will be small ones (tax, insurance, etc.).

6. Security and other Limitations

With renting, the landlord can evict you at any time, usually with only a 30 or 60 days’ notice. If you had become fond of the house, it could become a problem.

Some landlords also impose restrictions. They may bar you from smoking, drinking alcohol, or keeping pets. They may also limit the number of guests you can have at a time. When living on your own property, you don’t have to worry about any such limitations. You can do anything you want as long as the laws allow it.

So, Should You Buy or Rent?

When deciding whether to buy or rent, many only consider financial factors. However, this is a mistake. There are lots of other things apart from the cost that can help narrow your decision. Ignoring these things can lead to costly mistakes.

You should first think of time.

How long are you going to stay in one location?

The longer the period, the better it is to buy. A study by Trulia showed that:

● For families who move every 7 years and can afford up to 20% in down payment, buying is 37% cheaper than renting.

● The study further said that low mortgage rates usually offset high renting rates.

Another thing to consider is your goals. Where do you see yourself in 20 or 30 years?

happy family

Do you see yourself getting married and raising your kids in a certain area? Or do you see yourself settling in an area doing business? If “yes” in both scenarios, then buying may prove to be wise.

But if you know you will be moving a lot:

You may be better off renting.

You also need to seek the opinion of family members if you don’t live alone. This is especially important for couples.

However, this one fact about twenty someones might nudge you for renting against buying...

In your twenties, there are a lot of gaps that need to be filled in your life. You may get a new job at a different place from your existing neighbourhood. So buying a house will put you in an awkward spot.

A study by LinkedIn found that young people usually change about 4 jobs before they are 32. Further, the changes involve unrelated industries.

A study by LinkedIn found that young people usually change about 4 jobs before they are 32.

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Another reason to rent has to do with your knowledge of a neighborhood. Unless you know it well, rushing to buy may prove to be stupid. 3 or 5 years after buying, you may start to hate that area.

But the biggest reason to rent has to do with money. Most young people do not have enough to afford down payment and other costs necessary to close a house sale.

Data from the U.S Census Bureau shows that house ownership fell among millennials. It was 35.8% in 2015, but 39% in 1995. Some of the theories for this include the high cost of down payment and monthly mortgage payments, which leave most young people with less disposable income. It’s also worth noting that unemployment stands at 8% and there is a whopping $1 trillion in student debt.

So for many of you, renting is usually not an option, but a necessity. If you force yourself into a mortgage when you can’t afford it, you will stretch your wallet too far. Your disposable income will fall significantly and you will diet your spending to starvation.

If you want a house for building equity, you still have other options which provide better returns even if you have limited income. In a study by Jack Clark Francis and Roger G. Ibbotson, it was discovered that paper investments, which include stocks, futures, and bonds, give better results than real estate. This study analyzed these two forms of investments from 1978-2004.

The recommendation of paper investments centers on your ability to commit any savings from rent into the already mentioned paper investments. You will emerge a winner than those who buy houses.

Paul SamuelsonAmerican Economist

Investing should be more like watching paint dry or watching grass grow. If you want excitement, take $800 and go to Las Vegas.

Unfortunately, channeling rent savings into paper investments is easier said than done. Most young people are inclined to use any extra income for other purposes. A survey by Harris Poll showed that 80% of millennials haven’t invested in the stock market. 40% claim they do not have enough money for stocks. 34% said they don’t understand how the stock market works. And 13% attributed their failure to invest to student debt.

A survey by Harris Poll showed that 80% of millennials haven’t invested in the stock market.

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However, as research has shown, waiting even as little as 10 years can have a big impact on your wealth. Consider the case of these fictional twins, John and Mary. John invests $10,000 when he is 25 and adds $100 to his investment every month. Mary waits until she is 35 to start investing. She also invests $10,000 at the start and adds $100 to her investment every month.

At 55, here is how wealth they will both be (calculated at a 6% “rate of return on investment” using bankrate.com):

calculating cost

At 55, John will have $155,360.33 while Mary will have $77,635.79, a difference of $77,724.54. As you can see, if you decide to invest in paper investments instead of buying a house, it is crucial that you start right away. The best part is that there are no set amounts as to how much you must invest.

Conclusion

While buying house is usually a wise and satisfactory idea, it is not the only best option. As you have seen in this article, renting may prove better than a mortgage. While owning a house gives security, wealth, and a lot of other good things, you can still enjoy all those benefits with renting. Just know that they will come in different forms.

With that, what’s your take on buying and renting? Which do you believe would be the best option in your case?